I may be twenty pounds heavier but

that does not mean I am a lesser person

for I am much stronger now

I no longer fill my days with self-loathing and disgust

I no longer write the words “don’t eat” on my body as a reminder

I no longer go without eating

I may be twenty pounds heavier but

I am able to see the beauty in unconditional love and compassion to myself and others

I no longer look enviously upon girls whose ribs are jut out of their skin

I no longer tell myself how fat and worthless I am

I no longer believe all of my problems will be solved when I am skinny

I no longer physically punish myself

I may be twenty pounds heavier but

It DOES NOT give you the right to comment on it

It DOES NOT make me any lesser of a person

for I am much stronger now

Sometime when I am stressed, and I am defeated by school and work I yearn for a time machine to go back and relive my high school years. Hoping for something more simple, more comfortable.

I stumbled upon some of my old thoughts and it all came back to me. My last two years of high school I was in a very rough place.

I was very hard on myself. I hated most of my life. There were times when I wanted to kill myself. There were times when I didn’t eat. There was so little that I liked about myself.

Now I’m going to use this on my especially tough days. To remember how bad it was and how far I’ve come.

Be kind. Be thoughtful

Danielle

My last two posts are basically identical complaints of my struggles of being home.  I’ve decided to stop watching TV. It is one of my biggest time sucks. I need to remember to prioritize and take time to really take care of myself.

I was thinking on my run this morning about people and things in our life. No matter how many promises and reassurance that people will stay they never do. They may find themselves or lose themselves but they will fade from your life until you forget that they were ever there.

The Final Final of Freshman Year

Today in my last therapy session of the school year I reflected on where I’ve come and where I want to go. It was only then that I realized that I’m much closer to becoming the person I wish to be. A year ago I couldn’t have dreamt of being the person I am now. Things may not have gone smoothly, or well, but they are what they are. My mental status is a state function. This means that only the initial and final value are relevant, the method of getting there does not effect the process.  Over the past year I graduated High School, had prom, moved to a new state, started college, battled depression and disordered eating, started a new job, and made progress towards goals that seemed impossible just months ago. I’ve made friendships with people that haven’t lasted, but I’ve also made friendships with people that have potential to last. I’ve discovered that I love helping people and doing community service is something that I am passionate about. I learned the value of having a support network, because I ripped myself out of mine. I learned the value of having a true friend, and what it means to miss them. I’ve learned what it is like to not be have to be involved with guys. I am extremely hard on myself, because I thought that was a necessary part of success, but tomorrow I will finish my last semester of college, and I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself.

Endings, Comfort, Beginnings, and Change

As I sit hear studying for finals I find it hard to concentrate. There is so much uncertainty about the future.  I’m stuck in a state of discontent. I want to go home and be with my family and friends. I feel safe there, I don’t feel like I have to prove myself every second of every day.  I like being able to relax and not stress if I take a break from studying. Home is a place where my distance from it makes me feel like I’m doing things with my life. But I’ve outgrown my hometown. There is little left there for me except my friends and family, but the more time I spend away the less they seem to care and that hurts. So as I return home for four months I am sad to leave this place of mystery and fear, but afraid of returning home to the comfort of habit. When I return I should be starting medicine for my newly diagnosed PCOS.  I’m going on Metformin which should make a lot of changes. It should regulate my periods, lessen my depression help with my binge eating, stabilize my blood glucose, prevent the development of diabetes, lower my cholesterol, and help me loose weight. I am afraid that it won’t help. Only time will tell.

Be kind. Be thoughtful.