I had a friend for years who moved to Texas to live with her mother. We wrote letters to each other for a few years until we fell out of touch. She came up for graduation last year and to see family. We said our hellos and goodbyes and that was the end of it. A few months ago I messaged her and asked her if she was coming to our town for the summer and we agreed we should hang out. I texted her earlier this week and wasn’t really excited about hanging out, but reluctantly I did. I connected with her more than I had with anyone else in a very long time. It was great. I felt alive again. It was like we had never spent any time apart. I hope we are friend forever.
Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like I will never find anyone to love. I feel like I’m too fat. I’m too ugly. I’m too busy. I’m too demanding. I’ve never really liked who I become when I am in a relationship. I become jealous and demanding and I don’t behave as I wish I would. I keep imagining someday I will meet someone and everything will just fall into place. That just seems increasingly unrealistic to me. I have a lot of work to do for myself in becoming who I want to be. This doesn’t change the fact that some days I’m incredibly lonely.
I am losing myself. I am drowning my thoughts and feelings in work. I’m in a weird place right now. I don’t like people. I don’t want to spend time with my friends or family. I’m scared because it seems as if something is wrong with me. Maybe my standards are too high. I don’t know. It could be I have a bad taste in my mouth from being home. I don’t even know why I’m so miserable here. Hopefully I can see the light soon. I’m trying to stay positive and busy. I’ll have worked over 70 hours this week. Bekind. Be thoughtful.
P.s. to the concerned reader who commented on one of my other post I would like to inform you that depression is a mental disorder and nobody has “cast witch craft” on me or my family nor are we mind controlled. But thank you for your concern
This summer I’ve returned home. I have three jobs and an internship. Since tonight is my only time off I planned on hanging out with one of my friends who I used to work with and then I hung out with my best friend. When I was hanging out with my best friend she kept making snide comments and she does this when she is in a bad mood. As I was driving home I started crying. I realized that my best friend and I are growing apart. Our futures don’t align and its causing some tension. She wants to stay in the town we grew up in for the rest of her life. While I want nothing to do with it or the people here. Some I’m in a somewhat friendless place until I can make a more positive group of people.
Disordered eating is very common, it is a societal issue that has led to the Obesity Epidemic. Many people don’t see obesity and overeating as a disease or mental problem, they see it as a character flaw, or lack of restraint. As someone struggling with disordered eating in the form of binge-eating I would like to say that it is not that. I feel as if the group of people I am a part of is unrepresented. I am not obese, I wouldn’t considered myself more than 5 or 10 pounds overweight (BMI would though) but I constantly have the urge to binge. My ability to restrain my eating continually decreases.
I care about what I eat, and I do my best to be healthy. I want to be a dietitian and will soon be entering my second year. So I repeat, I do care about what I eat. I often feel inadequate about myself and my eating habits. Which leads to a binge cycle. I was making some really great progress with my eating habits, and my therapist until I came home for the summer and I don’t have my therapist and I’m in an environment that facilitates my binge-eating.
I took three steps forwards and now taking six steps back. Everyday I’m frustrated with myself. I try to be patient and I try to be gentle but some days I have to much going on to focus my mental capacity on not bingeing. So please be kind to everyone around you, because you do not know what they are going through or how they feel.
Be kind. Be thoughtful.
In February of last year I ended my last relationship. It has been over a year since I’ve had a boyfriend. I told myself I needed to take a year off from guys and fix myself before I could enter a relationship that could be serious. That was the best decision I could have possibly made. I learned how to be lonely, I learned how to be scared, and I learned that healthy relationships need to be complete. There needs to be a friend aspect, there needs to be a romantic aspect, and a physical aspect. Satisfying some but not all of these will allow for a temporary relationship but it has an expiration date. I’ve learned to wait for it, it may take years, but it will be worth it. That doesn’t mean I’m never sad, or lonely, or even that I don’t wish that I’m in a relationship. It means at the end of the day I understand that I must be patient with myself and others.
Be kind. Be thoughtful.
There are many things that are hard in life. We often have conflicts and dilemmas that stay with us for certain stretches of time. Sometimes they stay for hours, sometimes days, and sometimes they stay with us for years. The things that make our lives hard are usually not things at all. They are thoughts.
I paused before I knocked on the door. There was slight apprehension in doing so because of the unknown. What didn’t I know? What do I always fear when knocking on this door? Whether or not my brother will have killed himself. I used to occasionally fear this, in an abstract manner, but as his outward signs of depression worsen the idea seems less abstract. Sometimes I find myself angry at him because is being selfish and not doing what he needs to be doing. But then there are the days when I feel sad for no reason, and I want to die, and then for a second I imagine that this is how he feels. It is not a good feeling and I understand the desire to not get out of bed because the world can be cruel. It has been especially cruel to him. So times like those I’d like to say that I sort of get it.
It doesn’t dissuade my worry. It only deepens it.
Be kind. Be thoughtful