Why do  I get offended when people comment on how others have gained weight or gotten fat?

It hits close to home for me. It makes me wonder what people say about me. Do they comment on my stretch marks? How about my thighs? Maybe my cellulite? How about the rolls in my stomach, the flab of my arms? What about the way my ankles blend into my calves?

So when you ask me why I am offended, I’m not sure how you can’t tell why I wouldn’t be. Because my weight is none of your business, and any comments made about others I feel. I feel them right in my stomach because they’re the things I say to myself when no one else is around.

I dreaded returning to my small home town this summer. I got three jobs so that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge the fact that I was miserable.  Working anywhere from 40 to 65 hours to week I managed to save a decent amount of money.

It has only been in the last month that  things have changed.  I’m beginning to realize that no amount of work can compensate for a lack of meaningful relationship. It’s easy to fill life with work and goals because they’re reliable, they’re always there and I can control how I do in them. Relationships on the other hand are unpredictable. They’re inconsistent and I’m never really sure where I stand in them. So I’m making my goal for the year to be open to new friendships and relationships. I’m hoping for a good school year. And the same to everyone else!

Always Dissappointed

I suppose I’m at the age where I should stop expecting things for my birthday, where I should stop expecting people to be nice care about it. But I’m at a point in my life where I don’t feel like anyone cares about me. I have friends and family, who are there for me, but when I tell them things they don’t really seem to care. Its defeating. So this year for my birthday I didn’t ask for anything because I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist, and if I made that choice then I couldn’t be disappointed. So when my birthday actually came my parents remember as they were walking out the door and said “Oh right, Happy Birthday, see you later”.  Then I went to work  all day and it was like a normal day. No presents, no cards, a few Happy Birthdays and I had survived the day. The next day I had picked up an icecream cake for myself because I usually always have one for my birthday. When I got home my mom had a blueberry upside down cake made and got mad at me for picking up the cake. So then I just spent the rest of my day in my room. Then Monday morning a package from UPS came in the mail and as he was opening it my dad was asking me about what I wanted for my birthday so I just told him I would probably want help with college books and he told me he had forgotten my birthday. So he opens the package and hands me a fitbit. I asked who it was for and he said “Well it isn’t or me” So I was really excited because it felt like my parents did care and they had the whole thing planned.

Then I was talking to my mom about how I really like my gift and asked if she had any part in it and she told me that my dad had bought the fitbit for himself and then as he was opening it decided that he would give it to me, because my parents really had forgotten my birthday. I know its dumb to be upset but for once I felt like someone actually cared and then when I found out what really happened that feeling was ripped away from me.

On Adulthood

I’ve been 18 for almost a year now (I turn 19 in 12 days). While I’m technically an adult I feel like a child trying on her mother’s oversized clothing. I quite literally feel like I’m playing dress up wearing dress clothes and working a lot. On the last day of my internship I was talking to my mother about how I wouldn’t get to play dress up and pretend to be an adult anymore. She turned to me and said “you’re not pretending anymore, you are an adult.” That has resonated with me a lot. I still turn to my parents at any bump in the road, and any time I need money I ask them.  I certainly don’t feel independent or different. Maybe it is because I’m home from college for the summer or maybe it is because I’m avoiding the responsibilities of adult hood. I’m beginning to have bad feelings about renting a room next year because although I won’t be living with my parents I will sharing a living space with an older couple and another student. I feel like a flake, like I’m not enough of an adult and I’m falling behind in the game. I guess this all spirals back into my fear of never being good enough.

Be kind. Be thoughtful.

Danielle

I had a friend for years who moved to Texas to live with her mother. We wrote letters to each other for a few years until we fell out of touch. She came up for graduation last year and to see family. We said our hellos and goodbyes and that was the end of it. A few months ago I messaged her and asked her if she was coming to our town for the summer and we agreed we should hang out. I texted her earlier this week and wasn’t really excited about hanging out, but reluctantly I did. I connected with her more than I had with anyone else in a very long time. It was great. I felt alive again. It was like we had never spent any time apart. I hope we are friend forever.

Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like I will never find anyone to love. I feel like I’m too fat. I’m too ugly. I’m too busy. I’m too demanding. I’ve never really liked who I become when I am in a relationship. I become jealous and demanding and I don’t behave as I wish I would. I keep imagining someday I will meet someone and everything will just fall into place. That just seems increasingly unrealistic to me.  I have a lot of work to do for myself in becoming who I want to be. This doesn’t change the fact that some days I’m incredibly lonely.

I am losing myself. I am drowning my thoughts and feelings in work. I’m in a weird place right now. I don’t like people. I don’t want to spend time with my friends or family. I’m scared because it seems as if something is wrong with me. Maybe my standards are too high. I don’t know. It could be I have a bad taste in my mouth from being home. I don’t even know why I’m so miserable here. Hopefully I can see the light soon. I’m trying to stay positive and busy. I’ll have worked over 70 hours this week. Bekind. Be thoughtful.

P.s. to the concerned reader who commented on one of my other post I would like to inform you that depression is a mental disorder and nobody has “cast witch craft” on me or my family nor are we mind controlled. But thank you for your concern

Danielle

This summer I’ve returned home. I have three jobs and an internship. Since tonight is my only time off I planned on hanging out with one of my friends who I used to work with and then I hung out with my best friend. When I was hanging out with my best friend she kept making snide comments and she does this when she is in a bad mood. As I was driving home I started crying. I realized that my best friend and I are growing apart. Our futures don’t align and  its causing some tension.  She wants to stay in the town we grew up in for the rest of her life. While I want nothing to do with it or the people here. Some I’m in a somewhat friendless place until I can make a more positive group of people.

Let’s talk about Disordered Eating

Disordered eating is very common, it is a societal issue that has led to the Obesity Epidemic. Many people don’t see obesity and overeating as a disease or mental problem, they see it as a character flaw, or lack of restraint.  As someone struggling with disordered eating in the form of binge-eating I would like to say that it is not that. I feel as if the group of people I am a part of is unrepresented. I am not obese, I wouldn’t considered myself more than 5 or 10 pounds overweight (BMI would though) but I constantly have the urge to binge. My ability to restrain my eating continually decreases.

I care about what I eat, and I do my best to be healthy. I want to be a dietitian and will soon be entering my second year. So I repeat, I do care about what I eat. I often feel inadequate about myself and my eating habits. Which leads to a binge cycle.  I was making some really great progress with my eating habits, and my therapist until I came home for the summer and I don’t have my therapist and I’m in an environment that facilitates my binge-eating.

I took three steps forwards and now taking six steps back. Everyday I’m frustrated with myself. I try to be patient and I try to be gentle but some days I have to much going on to focus my mental capacity on not bingeing. So please be kind to everyone around you, because you do not know what they are going through or how they feel.

Be kind. Be thoughtful.

Danielle

Singledom

In February of last year I ended my last relationship. It has been over a year since I’ve had a boyfriend. I told myself I needed to take a year off from guys and fix myself before I could enter a relationship that could be serious.  That was the best decision I could have possibly made. I learned how to be lonely, I learned how to be scared, and I  learned that healthy relationships need to be complete. There needs to be a friend aspect, there needs to be a romantic aspect, and a physical aspect. Satisfying some but not all of these will allow for a temporary relationship but it has an expiration date. I’ve learned to wait for it, it may take years, but it will be worth it. That doesn’t mean I’m never sad, or lonely, or even that I don’t wish that I’m in a relationship. It means at the end of the day I understand that I must be patient with myself and others.

Be kind. Be thoughtful.

Danielle