Sweet Dreams Little Man

Two weeks ago my 7 month old cousin passed away.  I didn’t get to see him as often as I would have liked to because I go to school out of state. Nevertheless a  part of my heart is broken. I made a promise to that precious little boy that in his honor I would try every day to work towards overcoming my depression. To be aware of everything that is going on in my life, and how I am feeling and it’s been hard to keep that promise over the past few days.  I love him, and wish no harm to him.

Sweet dreams little man.

xoxo Danielle

The frustrating thing about not believing in a god is there is nothing to turn to when bad things happen to good people. But you can’t really say the universe is angry or hateful, or even that there is a purpose for it, because in order for that to happen the universe would have to have a concept of fair versus unfair, and a concept of the future. With the infinite size of the universe it just seems unlikely that one life is relevant to the universe, so really life or death is just a numbers game, but we don’t like being statistic because that makes everything we do in our lives relatively pointless.

Danielle

I’ve never felt like giving up so badly. The sense of loss, and lack of energy to do, well, anything feels stronger than anything I have inside of me.

This is not how people should feel.

I’m so afraid of getting a bad grade that I want to commit suicide.

THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Putting this type of pressure on students, having them chronically stressed, sleep deprived, and plummeted into debt with no idea if what they’re investing in will have any benefits.

Depression: the bully that never leaves

September 9th, 2015

Today was my relaxing day. I worked a few hours this morning, went for a run, had bagels with the family I live with, went grocery shopping, took a nap, sat by the pool for about an hour, and then made dinner and watched netflix. For some reason i’m sad again. Not about anything in particular, the lonely kind. Where sadness feels eternal and self-deprecating

I may be twenty pounds heavier but

that does not mean I am a lesser person

for I am much stronger now

I no longer fill my days with self-loathing and disgust

I no longer write the words “don’t eat” on my body as a reminder

I no longer go without eating

I may be twenty pounds heavier but

I am able to see the beauty in unconditional love and compassion to myself and others

I no longer look enviously upon girls whose ribs are jut out of their skin

I no longer tell myself how fat and worthless I am

I no longer believe all of my problems will be solved when I am skinny

I no longer physically punish myself

I may be twenty pounds heavier but

It DOES NOT give you the right to comment on it

It DOES NOT make me any lesser of a person

for I am much stronger now

Sometime when I am stressed, and I am defeated by school and work I yearn for a time machine to go back and relive my high school years. Hoping for something more simple, more comfortable.

I stumbled upon some of my old thoughts and it all came back to me. My last two years of high school I was in a very rough place.

I was very hard on myself. I hated most of my life. There were times when I wanted to kill myself. There were times when I didn’t eat. There was so little that I liked about myself.

Now I’m going to use this on my especially tough days. To remember how bad it was and how far I’ve come.

Be kind. Be thoughtful

Danielle

I love the idea of marriage and kids.

But real marriage, and real kids they aren’t like tv. There are fights, and pain, and most of the time things aren’t very good. Most of the time things aren’t good. Most of the time things don’t end well. I’ve been telling myself for years that the reason marriage doesn’t work is because people give up to easily. But I don’t think that is it. I think its much more than that. I think as religion and obligations become obsolete so do the things that keep people in marriages.

I still like the idea of marriage and kids. But failing at it, realizing after a few years, maybe even decades that the person you vowed to love forever makes you dread waking up in the morning. That would be more devastating than anything else.