Two weeks ago my 7 month old cousin passed away. I didn’t get to see him as often as I would have liked to because I go to school out of state. Nevertheless a part of my heart is broken. I made a promise to that precious little boy that in his honor I would try every day to work towards overcoming my depression. To be aware of everything that is going on in my life, and how I am feeling and it’s been hard to keep that promise over the past few days. I love him, and wish no harm to him.
Sweet dreams little man.
The frustrating thing about not believing in a god is there is nothing to turn to when bad things happen to good people. But you can’t really say the universe is angry or hateful, or even that there is a purpose for it, because in order for that to happen the universe would have to have a concept of fair versus unfair, and a concept of the future. With the infinite size of the universe it just seems unlikely that one life is relevant to the universe, so really life or death is just a numbers game, but we don’t like being statistic because that makes everything we do in our lives relatively pointless.
I’ve never felt like giving up so badly. The sense of loss, and lack of energy to do, well, anything feels stronger than anything I have inside of me.
This is not how people should feel.
I’m so afraid of getting a bad grade that I want to commit suicide.
THAT IS NOT OKAY.
Putting this type of pressure on students, having them chronically stressed, sleep deprived, and plummeted into debt with no idea if what they’re investing in will have any benefits.
Let’s pledge to each other to do more with less. Instead of scrolling through pictures and posts of others, let’s connect, and meet people and be present in the moment. Let’s stop being concerned with our online persona, and more concerned with each other’s wellbeing. Let’s disconnect to reconnect.
Coming to the realization i’m a terrible writer and speaker, and all these thoughts in my head are useless.
September 9th, 2015
Today was my relaxing day. I worked a few hours this morning, went for a run, had bagels with the family I live with, went grocery shopping, took a nap, sat by the pool for about an hour, and then made dinner and watched netflix. For some reason i’m sad again. Not about anything in particular, the lonely kind. Where sadness feels eternal and self-deprecating